Take to the Skies – Part 1

by the Wanz

Today we take to the skies by taking a look at the aerial life in transit. Yes, yes, the mighty airplane. J (Don’t have a helicopter… not yet anyways.) This will be exploring the general experience of the whole airplane process, not a specific tale (expect that in December when I retell last year’s hellish holiday commute). Now, I know there are those who have never flown and for those of you have avoided such… well, congrats! You probably have a few extra years on ya because getting to your flight and the actual flight itself are both fucking STRESSFUL!!! It’s not just bing-bang-boom and you get from point A to point B, it’s a muthafucking journey (like with Frodo and the one ring, if he had decided against walking).

And yes, we’re going to go through the whole airplane experience! From waking up to picking up your baggage after you’ve landed. And thus, this is a two-part blog. Part One – The Fright Before the Flight:

It begins at home, even before leave one must start with… packing! It’s kinda like homework—no one likes to do it (or if you do, society deems you strange/unusual), people will procrastinate until the last minute to do it, and when you rush it, you’ll inevitably forget something. (Also getting someone else to do it for you doesn’t always work out.) But it is a necessary process. For some, they over-pack, others under-pack, and some just wing it and others just don’t pack at all. In a way, it’s almost a window into our organizational soul—it shows us what we think we need, what we’re willing to drag along with, or willing to leave. (Or, again, willing to over-pack and have someone else carry it for said person.)

Once you’re all packed, getting to the airport is the next hellish task at hand. Most airports aren’t right next to major cities, so it can be a journey. Some cities, like SF, have great and very direct public transportation from the main areas of the Bay to their airports (SFO & OAK). If only every city had a BART system like the Bay does. Tacoma/Seattle has a bus that’ll take you directly to the airport—BUT getting to that bus is a pain in the ass, almost not worth the transit journey in and of itself. Then there are the shuttles—overpriced + crowded. Additionally you are with others who are crammed in next to you or (if you’re the first picked up) you have to go alllll the way out to their homes and wait for them to drag their luggage and themselves to the shuttle. Essentially, it transforms a not-too-long of a trip into a 2 hr ordeal. OR, there are your friends, maybe one who owes you a favor (or one who you’ll soon be in debt to). Best way to get their assistance: ask for a ride. Second best way: post on facebook that you need a ride. Third: talk to someone who is really empathetic (w/ a car) about how shitty it’ll be to bus, shuttle, walk, or whatever to the airport, until he or she feels so bad that they have to give you a ride. (Yahtzee!)

Upon actually arriving to your airport, thanking whatever mode of transportation you took, you’ll find yourself in the first of many lines. (If Lord of the Rings can be summarized as a movie that involved too much walking, Lord of the Airport would be a movie about being trapped in one too many lines.) Checking in is different for everybody, as there are just numerous factors that play into it. Factors: Airlines (some don’t have ridiculously long lines, so it makes it go faster), Ticket Class (obviously the 1^st class are classier and have shorter lines), Baggage (physical, not emotional), Electronic Check-In Systems (man versus machine), Arrival Times (i.e. if you can just stroll up before your flight to check in or if you have to arrive no later than 45 minutes before your flight or else they boot ya off the plane), and of course the speed/friendliness of the person working the front counter (paranethical comments not included).Every factor matters and expedites (or halts) this process. It’s either a five-minute dealio or a half hour line from hell. Who knows. J

Next line: Security Check Point!! These vary too, usually depending more on the timing of it (i.e.: when during the day, day of the week, and season you’re traveling). But the zig-zag-iness of these things are worse than lines at a waterslide park during a hot California summer day (and way less enjoyable). You’ll see people downing drinks that they can’t bring aboard and shuffle through their bags debating with themselves about if their gigantic toenail clippers will make it through security. Once their IDs and Boarding Passes are verified, the next challenge awaits: the x-ray and metal detector/full body scans. These moments are always a little funny. People fall into 1 of 2 categories – eager & prepped to get through the checkpoint or overly embracing their ability to dilly-dally. People can’t help but be pros on one or the other. For the first time or infrequent flyers, I get it, you don’t know what you’re doing. But once you’ve flown once and if it hasn’t been like…. 10 years since your last flight or whatever, you should get it the whole shoes, jacket, laptop/electronics, metal junk, liquids, etc. ordeal. It’s kinda like taking a test. And the metal detector is the grading system. This is a pass-fail kinda test too. It’s that moment of truth when you walk through the metal detector that you’re like “Did I fuck up?” just like getting a pop quiz back after only doing some of the reading. But if you pass, metal free, the security guard gives you that nod of “I’m glad you’re not making me do extra work.” (I even got a joke out of one… only once, but it was still proof that they are people and not robots built by TSA.) For those doing the full body scan, it’s more like taking the GRE, but also feeling completely exposed (so taking the GRE while you’re naked)! And if you fail either, slightly humiliation (and the loss of some smuggled materials) will occur before prepping for your next line.

Post-security checkpoint is very open-ended and it really depends on what type of flyer you are (so this section may apply to you or give you insight into others). This part is the infamous waiting stage. (Spoiler alert: Godot is not featured.) Some will be waiting at the airport for hours (due to early drop-offs or flight delays) while others have 0 minutes of waiting and will literally sprint in a mad dash starting at security to their gate while praying that they get onboard. What one chooses to do during their limbo-time usually satisfies their inner boredom-monster. 1. Wifi – some airports have it for free, some force you to download software and pay for it, but everyone looks a little facebook or twitter time or even working or even illegally watching movies on line. Some even blog. J 2. Loved ones phone calls – there’s always that person who is so loud that you hear (not overhear, because it’s that loud) their conversation with their significant other, their parent(s), sibling(s), boss, mistress(es), whoever. 3. Book/magazine – simple joys, simple pleasures. 4. Movies/TV Shows – Hopefully while your laptop or dvd player is plugged in (so you don’t waste all your juice in the airport and not on the plane), shows or movies will ideally help you mindlessly zone out on a screen while time joyously flies by (and not their flight flying by). 5. The drinkers – My favorite pass-time! Where there’s a bar, there’s a drinker, especially in the airport. 6. The napper – that overly considerate person willing enough ot take up three or more seats to satisfy their weary urges. 7. Smokers – self-explanatory. 8. And the watehers (i.e.: me) – because there’s always some random shit that you’ll inevitably see people doing in their life in pre-in-flight transit. J

Look for “Take for the Skies – Part 2: In-Flight Entertainment” coming later this week! If you have your own tales of pre-boarding chaos, share it with us either on our blog or our twitter account at https://twitter.com/LifeInTransitTJ or send us an email at LifeInTransitTJ@gmail.com and we may post your message / picture!!